I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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