come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
