I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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