i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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