Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
