I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
