he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I would fuck him just for his dog
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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