I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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