I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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