he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
