I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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