omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
