I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
