I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
