You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
