Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
