Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You took a bar mat shot.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
