I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There are leaves in my underwear?
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