i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
