I will die if light touches me.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
