If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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