I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
