Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
