You smell like a Billy Joel song
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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