I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
