I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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