Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
