I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Enjoy the penises
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
