Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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