you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
