I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
