apparently the secret to your success is patron
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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