I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
