Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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