I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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