I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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