I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
