I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We just shotgunned beers for America
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
