Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
