i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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