If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
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