someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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