Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Randomize
