Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
