The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
