Pappa wants mamma naked
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
there was a trapeze. enough said
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
