You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You can't special order awesome
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
