Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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