just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
