I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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