twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
