i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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