as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
