she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
