So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
